Things they never talk about

They don’t tell you this.

The waiting for the train. The 6 minutes that feel like hours, days.

The way your mind goes through every possible scenario. You see the world collapsing beneath you in a couple of seconds. You see the relief that lies within your reach. You see that you have absolutely no control over what will be revealed within the short space of time standing in from of you like a wall.

They don’t show this in the movies

The way everything moves in slow motion. The way your heart beats in your chest. The way you feel like the loneliest person in the world.

They never talk about this when they come to your school

You think of who you would tell. You think of ways to hide it from everyone else. You wonder who you can trust. You realise the irony of needing support versus the intense need of keeping anyone from finding out. You breathe. You choke. Your inside cries.

They don’t teach you how to deal with this, the moments inbetween. The not knowing. The breathing, the walking, the words you have to say to find out the truth. How can you keep the world from saying “We never expected this from her.”

How in a second the preconceptions and the things you never had to think about become more real that the people sitting next to you. How walking in someone else’s footsteps…

And you breathe. And you cry. And you dare not hope. And you wonder if things can be different. And you beg for someone to hold your hand. Yet you keep your phone in your pocket. You hide it from the world.