Archive for Maart, 2010

die groter tragedie van verlief wees

As die wakkerword saggies aan die deure van my slaap klop

En die son liggies deur die gordyne loer

Is dit amper asof jy deur die nag by my venster ingeklim

En hier langs my kom le het

Ek kan jou vel op myne ruik

En die manier wat jou bene perfek deur myne gevleg is

Die veiligheid van jou arms

Die wete dat jy my sal beskerm teen die wereld

Amper soos ironie

Asof ek jou saggies in my oor kan hoor fluister

Jou soene op my wang

Jou glimlag

Jou liefde in my hart

My hart tot jou genade

Kan ek my amper indink dis nogsteeds waar

Dat jy nogsteeds hier langs my le

Skielik die onthou soos die son

Skerp in my oe en my gedagtes

Wakker kom te vinnig

En die hartseer

Klou vir die res van die dag aan my vas

Soos iets wat nie wil los nie

Soos iets wat nie kan laat gaan nie

Al wil ek dit saam my kots in die toilet afspoel

Saam my hart in die asblik smyt

En sif ek deur die herinneringe na iets waar

Iets regtig

Iets heel

Iets waaraan ek kan vashou

Probeer waarheid raaksien tussen dit wat nou

So vinnig so leeg getap het

En hoe meer ek wonder hoe minder kan ek onthou

En jou arms, jou lag, jou werklikheid

Word tot niet vir my

Want jy het haar gekies

Vergeet om my te vertel

Jy het haar gekies en nie vir my nie

Enough for now

I found myself on the floor a lot this weekend. Just falling to the floor and lying on my carpet crying because it hurt so much. I had my trust betrayed by someone I loved dearly and I couldn’t and still cant wrap my head around it. It hurts. Like hell. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep or think of anything. I’ve been wanting to just get some rest so that I can forget about it for a second. I’ve been trying to think this thing out in my head. Trying to make sense of it all. But it keeps going round and round.

At first I was thinking bad thoughts. Really bad. Very un-christian, un-forgiving horrible things. One of my friends looked at me after me rambling on about some stuff and just said “You are really hurt.”

I kept talking to God, telling Him that it’s not right. That how can someone get away with this. How can they not have to pay for it? How come they can just try and talk the betrayal away? How can something like this happen? Why did it happen? I kept trying to convince God to punish this person and kept thinking really bad stuff about the whole thing. And the poison and the monster of hate just kept filling me to the brim. I questioned this person’s character, integrity, christianity and the friendship that we had had.

And sometime between yesterday and today I learned a few very rapid and very important lessons.

The first is, God rarely answers the question why. He does not explain suffering. He does not give answers to why we get hurt. But this is simply facts. Christians get hurt. Christians hurt other Christians. People make mistakes. Children of God get ill. Children of God suffer. Children of God cause suffering to others. Life is this way and we are not exempt from suffering or the repercussions of sin. Then Jesus showed up. He asked me to look at His hands. To see the scars. To look at the tears in His eyes and the lashes on His back. JEsus knows pain. God knows pain. Jesus knows betrayal. He knows suffering and hardship. He knows hate and ridicule. He knows how much it can hurt. And He will not necessarily take it away or protect us from it, but He leads us through it. He provides comfort. A place to lay our heads when we find ourselves crying on the bathroom floor. He places His hand on our heads and lets us cry and scream and cry some more. He holds us.

The second thing I realised is I have to forgive. Otherwise the poison would not stop spreading and I will never heal. At first the words “I forgive them” tasted like vomit from my mouth. I didn’t feel forgiving. I had no peace. I didn’t want to forgive, I only wanted to hate and punish and get revenge. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It’s easy to forgive when we weren’t emotionally invested. It’s the most difficult thing to forgive when we get really hurt and are really suffering. But I had to make this decision. I had to say it to myself a thousand times before I even started to believe it. I went through spouts of anger, but then decided to just say “God I am letting it go. God I forgive. God I am letting it go. God I forgive. Not because I can. Not because I want to. Not because I am capable of forgiveness. But because through you I can forgive. Help me to forgive” And I still have a billion emotions inside me. I am still hurting and still crying every few hours. But the poison is gone. It most probably will come again and I will fight again, with God by my side. I have to forgive because I was forgiven. I crucified God. I sin every day and I put Him up on that cross every day, and He still forgave me. He didn’t forgive me only when I apologised, or only when His pain stopped, or because I deserved it. He died for me. Nothing else matters. Not how I feel about this person or how painful it is or what I want. The point is God forgave me. I am the opposite of perfect. I am a horrible sinner. And He forgave me. And people aren’t perfect. I cannot crucify someone for their imperfections and their sins when I am exactly as sinful. It’s not like I never hurt anyone. It’s not like I’ve never sinned or make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like the worst sinner in the world. And God forgives me. Jesus, who has done nothing wrong. Who has never sinned in His life. Who has every reason to punish our sins and be self-righteous. That Jesus, takes my horrible horrible sins and pays for them. Who am I to hold a grudge? Who am I not to forgive?

Forgiveness does not make my pain less. It doesn’t make what this person did right. It does not even cause me to ever want to be friends with this person ever again. It just means giving it to God. For grace, for justice, for mercy, for sorting through the mess and for using it to His glory. It means letting the poison go inside me.  It means I am not God. It means confessing I do not know best and I am not capable of judging others. It means letting go. And as I’m writing this I feel flare-ups of anger and I know long periods of sadness and dissapointment and hurt are still waiting. But I will say the words again and again. I forgive. Because He forgave me.

The last lesson…God is good. I am eating the words of my previous blogs now, because I am in a rough time right now. But from the first second of finding out, I did not question His goodness. I do not question that God is still on His throne somehow making sense of all of this. I do not question that He is a loving father and wants the best from me and does not want hurt from me. I know that Christians do not always represent Christ. I know this because I often don’t represent Him. How can a judge a God by His imperfect servants? I can’t. I’m not perfect. Far from it. But God is graceful. And as I’m sitting here now I have no idea how this will be okay. But I have hope. I have trust. I see no evidence of any good that can come from this, but I still trust His name and His promises. I trust that somehow I will be stronger after this.

But I could not have felt this way if I did not do the hard work while things were going well. While I was okay and not hurting and life was good, I had to figure things out. I had to spend time with God. I had to think on all these things and came  to the conclusion that, just because things are going well, does not mean God is blessing your life. Many successful businessmen (to take one example) achieve their fame and riches by cheating and stealing. And just because bad things happen to you does not mean God disapproves. Look at the Bible. There is suffering everywhere.

But I know this. God is just. God is good. God is true. He does not indulge our comforts, but our hearts and our character. He is God, for goodness sake. We need to trust in His God-ness and His sovereignity. We need to trust Him no matter what the world looks like.

Being Christian sure as hell doesn’t mean life is easy. Life is damn hard and it will probably become more difficult when we get older. Tough times will come. It’s not a maybe or an if. Hard times are a given. We need to know this and make peace with this. And in the hard times we need to know that this is no an excuse to act badly. We need to cling even closer to our father in these times. When we see no outcome or reason for living.

As I sit here now I do not have energy for the future. A few hours ago I was lying on the floor telling God that I don’t know how to get up. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know which way is forward. My heart is not getting any lighter and the pain not any better. I still can’t eat. And it’s okay for now. I can stay on the floor. I can cry with God. I can wrap myself tightly in the arms of Jesus. The arms that hung on the cross for me and felt pain. Worse than I could ever know. Everyone He loves betrayed Him. We betray Him every single day of our lives. And He still died for us. I cannot stress this enough. A perfect God died for us, so we need to die to ourselves every day. Our own unforgiveness and our own pain and our own desires.

I know the pain will pass. I know the sun will shine, light will come out and hope will come. But for now I know this:

Life is hard. God is good. Heaven is real.

That’s enough for now.

Praise to Him!

When I  was younger I heard somewhere “Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice.” And it sounded horribly unromantic and left me despondent about love. As I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand and accept that love is a choice. Making it even better than the romantic idea we have. When it’s a choice we choose te person we want to be with, we cannot blame it on whatever else when it goes wrong, it is our own choice. And therefore we know someone also chooses us. This means that, in the hard times, when there is not necessarily romantic love, or the inherent wanting to give everything up for someone, we know that we need to perservere because it is a choice. We need to keep giving of ourselves, we need to be quick to listen and slow to anger, we need to hope and trust and forgive. Because this is what love is, according to the bible.

Understanding love as a choice has freed me a lot. It freed me from thinking that I can only fall in love with “hot” guys and also knowing that these feelings are usually just hormones and I can consciously work out with my mind whether this is a good match or a person I can see myself being in a marriage with. It also means that when times are hard I know we will both keep fighting, because we will not just say “oh the feeling is gone” and then leave. We are there in good times and bad. This is what I hope for myself one day and I pray to God that He keeps giving me clarity in these things.

So love being a choice means we do not walk out when it gets hard. We do not give up. We do not blame the other person. We perservere. We do something to fix the problem, we do not just wait to feel in a forgiving mood and then go and apologise. I have loved someone badly recently and this is what I regret most, being self-seeking and not God-seekingi n how I handled everything. Acting on feelings instead of what I know to be right before God.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. Yesterday it dawned on me that, if love is a choice, and if God chose marriage to be a reflection of His relationship with his bride, the church (ie. me) then my love for Him is a choice. I need to choose to keep loving Him every day. Even if I experience His promises as dissapointing, even if Iam despondent and feel depressed and I dont have that feeling of “love” for God, I need to keep loving Him. And loving Him means doing His will, keeping His way. If my relationship with God is to work, then I need to choose to to believe that God is just, God has a plan for my life, God is good and God is loving and caring and all of that, even though I cannot see immediate evidence of that and even though my plans do not work out. In the same way we need to believe that whoever we are in a relationship with is good, we need to trust in their character and know that their intentions for us is good as well. And if we interpret it from this side, believing God is good, we will look for evidence of His goodness, instead of His rejection and lack of intervention.

There is still a lot more to say about this, but the point is that pain and suffering is no excuse to abandon our love for God. It is okay to have questions, but involve Him in the answering thereof. And we have no excuse not to do His will. We need to die to ourselves more and more every day, we need to help others, we need to praise and thank Him. No matter how we FEEL at the moment. I have at times felt so close and thankful to God and at others barely believed in His existence. And I think that, praising God in the hard times, means more to Him that praising Him when we are well. Hoping and trusting in Him when we have no evidence of Him in our lives or in the world, means more than believing Him when we are staring at a beautiful sunset. We need to praise Him in death and in life. In hardship and in blessing. In everything.

Nooit genoeg nie

Dis elke keer vir my vreemd om terug te kyk in my lewe. Ek is ‘n stadmeisie en voor varsity nie regtig aan enigiets anders gedink as om famous te word, ryk te wees en te trou nie. Ek het aan arm mense gedink en hulle jamemr gekry en myself ‘n christen genoem en geglo my drome is noble en so aan.

Toe gaan swot ek arbeidsterapie en ek sien stukkende mense, mense wat nie kan beweeg in hul eie beddens nie, dooie oe, mense wat so arm is hulle kannie hospitaal toe kom nie, mense wat so stukkend is aan hul binnekant dat hulle glo hulle is God, stemme hoor en ander mense verskriklik seermaak. Mense wat nie hoop of liefde of enigiets anders ken behalwe pyn nie. Maar ook sterk mense. Mense wat opstaan en aanhou, quadruplee wat besighede het en bestuur, mense wat op hul sterfbed is en vir ander omgee en bid. Mense wat lewe en hoop uitdeel.

Ek het stadigaan begin besef daar moet meer wees, al wou ek met elke sekonde weghardloop. En toe moet ek gemeenskapsdiens doen in bosbokrand. Ek was verskriklik kwaad en verontwaardrig. Weet God dan nie ek wil ‘n aktrise wees nie? Hoekom stuur hy my nie kaaptoe nie ek wil nog altyd daar bly? Weet hy nie ek love die stad en haat klein dorpies nie? Wat gaan aan?

God indulge nie ons comforts nie, maar ons needs.

Ek het weereens geleer van arm, van hartseer, van mense, van harte, van hoop gee en hoop wegvat, van gebed, frustrasie, liefde, pyn, seerkry, haat…. Van dinge van die lewe.

Ek besef al hoe meer dat die enigste manier om jou lewe te bewaar is om dit weg te gee. Nie stukke daarvan nie, nie ure of oomblike nie, nie deeltjies in jou dag nie, nie jou gebed in die aand nie, maar alles. Flippen elke laaste deeltjie van jou hart.

Ek is al so week en ‘n bietjie in die kaap e ek voel bietjie…leeg. Pragtige berge, lekker om tyd te he om koffie te drink en vriende te kuier en so aan, maar…there’s gotta be more than life. There are people DYING OU THERE!! Nie net fisies nie maar hulle binnekante is seer…dood.

Ek besef net ek soek die verkeerde goed. Verkeerde comforts. En God maak net deure oop na die arm, hartseer, gebroke mense en ek word elke dag meer dankbaar daarvoor. As mens op jou eie is in jou eie gedagtes raak mens self-absorbed in jou eie probleme. Maar vandag het ek die blessing gehad om vir my werk atlantis toe te gaan en daar te gaan werk begin, wat ek vir ide jaar deeltyds mee besig gaan wees. Dis ongelooflik. Dit maak mens humble. Klaskamers vna 24 kinders wat soos sardinetjies ingedruk is in ietsie kleiner as meeste mense se kombuise. Skole waar ‘n inbraak elke tweede dag die norm is. Kinders wat huil, meisies wat swanger is, mense wat moed opgee en mense wat aanhou moed he.

Niks anders maak sin behawel om ons lewens op te gee nie. En eks lucky. Ek kan terugkom en kom koffie drink en op my laptop blog hieroor terwul ek R16 se koffie drink omdat die view mooi is. Ek kan vannaand in ‘n bed slaap. Ekt oorskiet pizza wat ek vir drie dae lank nog nie kon eet nie want eks lucky genoeg om kos te he.

Lord, I dont want to give up this life. But I want to want to. I want to give everything. Ek wil kan sterf en daardeur lewe. Ek wil mense help en dis dit. Ek wil baie ander goed ook, maar besef niks gee lewe soos om als te gee nie. Hoe sal ek weet though, ek gee seker 2% op die oomblik. Maar daai 2% is so rewarding in homself. En ek begin net so sneaky feeling kry dat ons dit als verkeerd het… Dat waarna ons strewe net dood sal bring… Dat dit waarop ons hoop niks beteken nie… Dat niks behalwe God lewe gee nie en al hoe jy God kan vind is deur te sterf in jouself en al hoe jy dit kan doen is vir ander lewe.

Ek bid dat God my hart met hierdie waarheid deurtrek. Dat Hy my willing sal maak om als op te gee. Alles. Whatever it takes.

Dreaming.Hoping.Risking

Everyone dreams. Everyone has something that makes them tick or keeps them alive. It’s the same as hoping, almost. Most of us dream up a future or a destination in which we will be happy and have everything. It’s almost what keeps us alive. But how many of us are willing to actually take the leap, to risk failure.

Because, what if it doesn’t work? What if we risk everything and it wasn’t what we wanted or how we imagined it? What if we give up everything and end up with…nothing. I’m not gonna lie to you, it is a possibility.

What if we give all our love to someone, we risk our heart, and they don’t feel the same way? What if we dream of the house, the kids, the dream wedding, and no one ever asks us? What if we dump the loser who doesn’t love us and there is no one else out there? What if we write the book and no one wants to read it? What if we dream of being in a movie and no one ever casts us? What if we decide to go studying and we do not pass our exams? What if we go out there and try to make friends and no one is interested? These are all valid questions with scary answers. Dreaming is risky business.

So most of us just keep on dreaming. Because if we dream of a tomorrow, getting up today to go to our 9-5 job doesn’t seem too bad. If we dream of the marriage and the children, then having to sit home alone one more night seems bearable. We create a world in which we will be happy. We live in a future that might bring some kind of fulfillment to the grey of the lives that surround us.

And now your expecting an answer. Either me telling you to take the leap, go for gold, risk everything. Or to enjoy the now, love every day, enjoy the small things, live in the moment you are in. Both valid answers.

So I’m telling you that I don’t know. I don’t know the answer. I don’t know if it’s all worth it.

Ask me in a year.

God is goed

Die afgelope paar dae voel ek amper soos ‘n bootjie in die middel van die oseaan wat nie weet waar hy gaan anker nie, of eers waar die naaste eiland is nie. Of soos iemand wat op die edge van ‘n cliff staan en verseker gaan val, nie weet waar ek gaan land nie. Daar is ‘n paar dinge in my lewe wat ek nog altyd as verseker gesien het. Goed waarin ek gehoop het die afgelope tyd of maniere wat ek gedink het goed gaan uitwerk, werk, blyplek, vriendskappe. Bowenal is dit nie waar ek my lewe op die ouderdom gesien het nie. Ekt gedink ek sal ten minste al gesettle het, ‘n boek geskryf het of op een plek bly.

Met die gevolg dat ek nogal gefrustreerd was met God. Ekt gevoel ek glo in Hom en bid en dra dinge aan Hom op en hou vas aan Sy beloftes en soek sy vrede, en goed werk nogsteeds net nie uit nie. Maak nie saak hoe hard ek probeer of watse kant toe ek mik nie, dinge wil net nie werk soos ek dink nie. Vandag voel ek toe ‘n nuwe wave van depressie kom, toe ek saam die tannie waar ek bly na so kerk toe is waar mens net in Sy presence op jou rug le en soak vir ‘n uur en ‘n half. Niemand preek of bid of niks nie, jy le net en luister musiek. En dan bid iemand saggies by jou en gooi so lappie oor jou wat die allerheiligste verteenwoordig. Ek vra toe vir God of ek ‘n rooi lappie kan kry.

Ek le toe met my oe toe en bid en dink dat ek iets special gaan voel of beleef of profeteer of droom of net…iets. In plek daarvan le ek ‘n uur en ‘n half net en dink aan dinge in my lewe op die oomblik. Ek maak toe later my oe oop en ekt ‘n pienk lappie gekry. En ek voel weer gefrustreerd omdat ek net le en dink het en nie eers in Sy presence kon inkom nie en Hy nie eers vir my ‘n rooi lappie gee nie. En toe dink ek, wie is ek om te besluit wat ek nodig het. Dalk moes ek nie nou ‘n rooi lappie kry nie, dalk moet ek nou ‘n pienk lappie kry.Dit is wat Hy vir my wil gee en wie is ek om te besluit watse geskenk ons Pappa vir my moet gee. En toe besef ek net…ek gee my lewe oor aan Hom, maar ek gee nie oor nie. Net omdat ek iets verwag op ‘n sekere manier, beteken nie dit gaan so gebeur nie. Net omdat ek op Hom vertrou vir iets beteken nie dit is wat ek gaan kry nie. Ek moet op Hom vertrou vir wat Hy vir my wil gee. Ek moet vertrou al word my expectations nie waar nie, ek moet vertrou dat Hy in beheer is en Sy plan beter as myne. So scary soos dit is moet ek net laat gaan en alles aan Hom oorlaat. Ek dink toe aan wat iemand eenkeer vir my gese het, as jy klastoe gaan vra jy nie jou dosent wat jy wil leer en dat leer hy dit vir jou nie. Jou dosent besluit wat belangrik is vir jou om te leer. En soveel soos ek dink ek het sekere goed en lesse en dinge in my lewe nodig, soveel meer weet God wat ek eerder nodig het. Om net in Hom te vertrou, in Sy goedheid, al is dit nie volgens my plan nie. Om te glo dat God nogsteeds goed is en in beheer is al voel ek soos die bootjie op die see. Ek moet glo eks geanker aan Hom. Aan die bodem van die see. Al kan ek nie sien waaraan ek geanker is nie.

God is goed

Die afgelope paar dae voel ek amper soos ‘n bootjie in die middel van die oseaan wat nie weet waar hy gaan anker nie, of eers waar die naaste eiland is nie. Of soos iemand wat op die edge van ‘n cliff staan en verseker gaan val, nie weet waar ek gaan land nie. Daar is ‘n paar dinge in my lewe wat ek nog altyd as verseker gesien het. Goed waarin ek gehoop het die afgelope tyd of maniere wat ek gedink het goed gaan uitwerk, werk, blyplek, vriendskappe. Bowenal is dit nie waar ek my lewe op die ouderdom gesien het nie. Ekt gedink ek sal ten minste al gesettle het, ‘n boek geskryf het of op een plek bly.

Met die gevolg dat ek nogal gefrustreerd was met God. Ekt gevoel ek glo in Hom en bid en dra dinge aan Hom op en hou vas aan Sy beloftes en soek sy vrede, en goed werk nogsteeds net nie uit nie. Maak nie saak hoe hard ek probeer of watse kant toe ek mik nie, dinge wil net nie werk soos ek dink nie. Vandag voel ek toe ‘n nuwe wave van depressie kom, toe ek saam die tannie waar ek bly na so kerk toe is waar mens net in Sy presence op jou rug le en soak vir ‘n uur en ‘n half. Niemand preek of bid of niks nie, jy le net en luister musiek. En dan bid iemand saggies by jou en gooi so lappie oor jou wat die allerheiligste verteenwoordig. Ek vra toe vir God of ek ‘n rooi lappie kan kry.

Ek le toe met my oe toe en bid en dink dat ek iets special gaan voel of beleef of profeteer of droom of net…iets. In plek daarvan le ek ‘n uur en ‘n half net en dink aan dinge in my lewe op die oomblik. Ek maak toe later my oe oop en ekt ‘n pienk lappie gekry. En ek voel weer gefrustreerd omdat ek net le en dink het en nie eers in Sy presence kon inkom nie en Hy nie eers vir my ‘n rooi lappie gee nie. En toe dink ek, wie is ek om te besluit wat ek nodig het. Dalk moes ek nie nou ‘n rooi lappie kry nie, dalk moet ek nou ‘n pienk lappie kry. Dit is wat Hy vir my wil gee en wie is ek om te besluit watse geskenk ons Pappa vir my moet gee. En toe besef ek net…ek gee my lewe oor aan Hom, maar ek gee nie oor nie. Net omdat ek iets verwag op ‘n sekere manier, beteken nie dit gaan so gebeur nie. Net omdat ek op Hom vertrou vir iets beteken nie dit is wat ek gaan kry nie. Ek moet op Hom vertrou vir wat Hy vir my wil gee. Ek moet vertrou al word my expectations nie waar nie, ek moet vertrou dat Hy in beheer is en Sy plan beter as myne. So scary soos dit is moet ek net laat gaan en alles aan Hom oorlaat. Ek dink toe aan wat iemand eenkeer vir my gese het, as jy klastoe gaan vra jy nie jou dosent wat jy wil leer en dat leer hy dit vir jou nie. Jou dosent besluit wat belangrik is vir jou om te leer. En soveel soos ek dink ek het sekere goed en lesse en dinge in my lewe nodig, soveel meer weet God wat ek eerder nodig het. Om net in Hom te vertrou, in Sy goedheid, al is dit nie volgens my plan nie. Om te glo dat God nogsteeds goed is en in beheer is al voel ek soos die bootjie op die see. Ek moet glo eks geanker aan Hom. Aan die bodem van die see. Al kan ek nie sien waaraan ek geanker is nie.