Archive for April, 2010

Rantings en ravings van iemand wat iets probeer vind

Vir die wat nie weet nie, eks nie ‘n particularly “kerkerige” Christen nie. Meestal in ‘n diens sit ek net en dink aan hoe stupid die kerk is. Ek weet dis nie reg nie, maar ek kannie help nie. Seker jare se kerk en fakeness en mense wat my kwaadmaak en beloftes wat belaglik is en issues wat ek nog nie uitgesort het nie. Either way. Ek probeer. Deesdae is ek rustiger en glo dat meeste mense doen wat hulle innig in hul harte dink reg is op daai stadium. Ek weet nie. Ek dink nie meer almal wat smile is fake nie en ek dink nie meer elke belofte is mense wat “net nie die regte wereld ken nie.” Ek is meer stabiel in wat ek glo dat ek nie almal heeltyd wil judge of voor kwaad word nie.

So nou bly ek in die kaap en ek toets my teorie van vriendskap 101 uit deur soveel mense as moontlik te probeer ontmoet. Leading to twee baie random….mindblowingly boring blind dates, maar dis ‘n storie vir ‘n ander keer. Elk geval deel van vriendskap 101 is om kerktoe te gaan en by ‘n cell groep aan te sluit. So vannaand toe sit ek in daai einste cell groep. En dit was nie sleg nie, maar dit was nie great nie. Dit voel net soms asof ons, as Christene, (pick me too!) die regte goed kan se. Ons kan die regte antwoorde gee. Ons ken die bybelversies. Ons kom weekliks bymekaar en bespreek dit (wat nie sleg is nie) maar dit voel amper soos ‘n self-improvement mission waar ons almal net praat oor goed. En dit sentreer om onsself. Hoe kan ek minder selfsugtig wees? Hoe kan ek content wees in als wat ek doen? Hoe kan ek minder sondig…bla bla bla. En als goed en wel en mens moet dit probeer maar guess what ONS KANNIE ONSSELF BETER MAAK NIE! Ons kan praat tot ons blou, pienk en pers is maar ons kannie. Ek het probeer. Daar is goed wat ek in matriek mee gesukkel het en nogsteeds mee sukkel.

So ek het ophou probeer. Ek kannie. God kan. My nuwe mission is om buite myself te kyk en te kyk wat ek vir ander kan doen. Elk geval, weereens probeer, want natuurlik is dit ook maklik om hieroor te blog maar moeilik in praktyk. Maar ek dink God het ons geskape waar ons enigste contentment kan wees as ons buite onsself lewe. As ons nie so baie tyd in ons eie koppe spandeer nie en probeer om ander se seer beter te maak en se needs te fulfill. En woeps, da groei ons! So eintlik is ons onselfsugtigheid ook selfsugtig. Ek gee vir ander omdat ek moeg is vir myself. Ek wil betrokke raak by human trafficking omdat ek uit my eie kop uit wil kom. Ek wil ander uplift en vir hulle bid omdat ek net nie meer my eie lewe kan uitfigure nie.

We are not meant to figure life out, like a maths problem, we are meant to live life.

Ek wonder of enigiets sin maak maar dis net ramblings in my kop op die oomblik. Dis liberating om agter te kom die wereld draai nie om jou nie. Om op te gee. Om oor te gee en God te vra “So wat kan ek vandag doen vir ander?” en sodoende God te los om ons probleme uit te sorteer. Ons berge in molshope te verander. Ha ha.

Elk geval so vandag toe is ek by Groote Schuur en daar is so pasient toe ek my parkering betaal en hy sukkel om te loop en hys toe klaar onder maar vergeet om sy kaartjie te betaal en vra almal om te help en dit te gaan betaal maar almal ignoreer hom. Toe loop ek gou weer op en betaal sy kaartjie. En toe dink ek ek sal gou saam hom kar toe stap want eks nie seker of hy mentally ill is nie maar hy was nogal vreemd. En toe begin hy so half inappropriately met my flirt en ek dog, jissie ek doen jou ‘n guns en dan doen jy dit. En toe is ek soos, kom oor jouself. En toe dink ek, mens het altyd hierdie romantiese idee van mense help. Asof dit soos in die flieks gaan wees en daar gaan mense met integriteit wees en julle gaan mekaar vind en hulle gaan so dankbaar wees en jy gaan so goed voel oor jouself en so aan. En dit gaan magical wees en almal gaan dink jys awesome. Real life ain’t like that. Die mense wat jy voor gee gaan tien teen een nie eers dankie se nie. Hulle gaan stink. Hulle gaan aan jou probeer vat of met jou probeer flirt. Hulle gaan op jou drool en nie wil saamwerk nie. Hulle gaan jou vra vir geld en werk. Hulle gaan moeilik wees en moody wees en nie jou moeite raaksien nie. Dit gaan jou tyd vat, jou effort van en jou energie vat.

So what.

Het Jesus nie vir ons doodgegaan toe ons nog sondaars was nie? Het Hy ons nie vergewe toe ons nie jammer gese het nie? Hy het alles vir ons gegee voor ons dankbaar was. Ons kruisig hom elke dag nog, ons spoeg op Sy naam en klap Hom in die gesig. Tog het Hy als gegee. Tog gee Hy als.

Wie is ons om te kies wie genade verdien en wie nie?

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oor die liefde

Ek het hierdie middel laasjaar geskryf en op facebook gepost. Vandag weer hierop afgekom en weereens verbaas oor die waarhede wat ek toe op afgekom het. Ekt gedink dis worthy om te post op my blog.

Disclaimer: This is a note for the ladies. If you are a guy and reading this I do not take any responsibility for the consequences…

This note is about relationships and dating and the little bit of sense I’m making every day in the chaos that surrounds our feelings/emotions/physical attractions ect. This is just me trying to make sense of everything and the things I find out along the way.

So I’ve recently (in fact it’s not that recent anymore) come out of a relationship. It was a very short relationship compared to the way relationships and feelings go sometimes. We got to know each other, we started dating, it worked well, it stopped working well, we broke up. Wasn’t a big thing, but it kind of was. Last night we were listening to a sermon a woman was giving on marriage and relationships. And she mentioned that both men and women have needs. Women have the need to feel loved, taken care of, beautiful ect. We want to feel wanted. We want to know, are we enough? Are we beautiful enough, are we special enough, do we make the cut, are we enough? This is our emotional need.

When me and my short-lived-boyfriend broke up I was…devastated. This reaction didn’t make sense to me. It was a nice relationship. Nothing wrong with it. It wasn’t a great relationship, wasn’t perfect. Even during the relationship I knew this was not the man I was going to marry. He was not perfect for me. We had many differences and short-comings in the relationship and I even talked to my friends about this not being the man I would marry. I thought that, if we broke up (I knew we would eventually, just not that soon) that I would cry for a week and be fine. I did not expect devastation and total and utter breakdown of my emotional status. Did not expect the depression that followed after the breakup and the hopelessness inside me. I thought that I must have loved him and not realized. He must have been the guy for me and I let it go, that’s why I felt that way. Then later on I thought it must have been because of what we’d done physically and there was some kind of emotional bond that I had to break. I tried breaking soul ties and although it helped a little, it did not take away the pain. Don’t get me wrong, we form physical bonds and we do get emotionally hurt because of it when we broke up, but there was more going on.

I knew that this had not been the guy for me. I don’t think the relationship was wrong, sometimes people get to know each other and they just don’t fit. We just didn’t fit in the end. And I couldn’t believe that God had intended for me to be with this guy, but I also couldn’t figure out why I was so sad. So I just decided my emotions were lying, I should not be so sad, so emotions are just deceiving me.

But last night I realized…he fulfilled my emotional need. When I was with him, during our short relationship, I was enough. I felt wanted, loved, cared for. When he took me out to dinner and opened car doors for me and phoned me and shared his emotions with me and introduced me to his parents and friends…I felt wanted. He fulfilled a deep need inside me that God had put inside me. This is not wrong. Wanting to feel wanted. It shouldn’t need to lead to bad decisions and shouldn’t be fulfilled in the wrong manner, but that’s not the point for now. The point is that my feelings were real, and when I was so sad, I was not mourning him, I was mourning the way he made me feel.

This being said I need to issue a warning to all women and to my future-self to remember this lesson and take it to heart. Sometimes we are not in love with the people we think we are in love with. This was my first “functional” relationship and I was in love with the functionality of it. You might be in love with having someone to talk to, in love with the attention, in love with feeling sexy or hot or beautiful, in love with….having someone. In love with not being single.

I am honestly not one of those people who believe you should only date the man you are going to marry. Seriously, how possible is that? But you should date a man that you believe there is potential to marry. You will still get hurt. Even if you never date, until you get married, you will get hurt. That’s another conversation thought. But you can minimise the pain and be wise in who you date and chose to walk with, even if it is for short periods.

This is very difficult, but the Bible also teaches us to “guard your hearts for it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23 (if I remember correctly). It teaches us discernment and not to place our trust in man, but in God. There is so much truth in this. I know that I used to (and I’m sure I will still sometimes) fall in love with guys that were simply put, not good for me. God used those wrong choices to teach me fundamental truths and bring me closer to Him, but my choices were wrong sometimes and resulted in a lot of heartache and unnecessary pain. I used to fall in love with bad guys, not the hard-core bad guys, but the emo guy in the band with daddy issues. I loved guys with issues. I could always figure out their “fear of commitment” as whatever was wrong from their childhood and bla bla bla. It may be the truth, but it doesn’t make him any more the guy for me and the relationship I want. I had (have?) a little bit of a messiah complex and I constantly wanted to save the guy I was in love with. I would be the one to change him.

Newsflash: You wont. Very rarely does this work. God changes people, you don’t. If you love him, if you love yourself, stay friends. Stay away from a relationship. The guy you are with needs to be emotionally healthy. The type of relationship you need is the one where you know the guy will stay with you, no matter what, because you are as important to him as he is to himself. This is very difficult I know and there are a lot of buts…BUT it is YOUR OWN responsibility to protect YOUR OWN heart! By all means…fall in love, but choose wisely who you fall in love with. Sometimes you cannot choose who you have feelings for or develop a crush on, but you can choose the kind of relationships you get involved in and who you invest your time and emotions in. Be wise in this. As God for help. As the opinions of people you love and trust and have Godly relationships. LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS IN JESUS!! They will not lie to you, they can very often see things you can’t because you are too emotional. And I have BEEN there. It’s so hard.

When choosing a guy, look at his background. How did he treat the previous girl he dated? How is his relationship with his mother and other women in his life? How does he talk to his friends? How does he handle conflict with you and with others? Does he call when he says he will? Do you feel safe with him? How is your own emotional state in the relationship? Are you scared and anxious all the time? Do you worry when he doesn’t call? Do you feel like breaking up with him every second day? Are you fighting all the time? Are you fighting in yourself?

Advice is often what we ask for when we know the answer we just do not want to face it.

Another thing…souls attract similar souls. When I was broken and hurting on my inside and had a lot of issues to sort out, I would attract unhealthy relationships and unhealthy guys to my soul. As soon as I started to pay attention to what I was doing and why, and figuring out who I was in life and what  I wanted, my relationships became healthier. I became attracted to the right kind of guys. The spiritual realm is often much stronger than we think and things we think are spontaneous of coincidental very often aren’t.

So be wise. Take responsibility for your own heart. I realized that I always say “God has the right man for me, He has someone who fits me perfectly” but I did not really believe it because otherwise I would not be falling in love with these people that were clearly not right for me. Maybe I didn’t feel I was worthy of someone unbroken and whole and strong. Maybe I felt little in the presence of a great man. I know that, looking back, I made a lot of mistakes, but I can see how God has been battling for me all the time. He still is. When you are too weak to get out of something, tell God. Tell other people. Tell your friends. They will fight for you as well. Be strong and courageous and never settle for less. That is what the devil wants. We do not fight for mediocrity but we fight for greatness!

Daar’s ‘n prostituut op my straathoek

Daar staan ‘n prostituut op my straathoek.

Ek weet nie hoekom blog ek hieroor nie. Ek weet nie eintlik wat anders om te doen nie. Dit upset my. Nie oor sy daar staan nie maar omdat…. sulke goed regtig gebeur. Ek kyk vir haar en ek imagine net hoe sy moet voel. Wonder of sy bang is. Wonder of sy dink oor haar aand. Haar kinders. Is sy lief vir iemand? Of voel sy niks? Ek dink oor wat sy later vannaand gaan moet doen en hoe sy daar geland het.

Ek wou vir haar koffie vat maar eks te bang. Sy sal dit seker in elk geval nie wil he nie. Ek weet nie. Ek wil ook nie haar patronise nie. Ek weet nie.

Ek hoop sys okay vannaand. Ek hoop ek sien haar more aand weer daar.

Christianity should come with a disclaimer

I think Christianity should come with a disclaimer. Something like… to find your life you must lose it…or take up your cross daily…or something like that.

I heard somewhere that following Jesus will wreck you….this has become more and more aparent as I grow up. When you’re young Christianity sells like “Want to cure your addiction…follow Jesus!” or “Want all your dreams to come true….come to church!”

But deciding to follow Jesus is this crazy, insane idea that works backwards.

When you decide to follow him

….you decide to become a slave

….those who were first will be last and those who are last will be first

….you will need to forgive people when all you want to do is scratch their eyes out

…..you will have to blindly follow someone who you sometimes cannot hear and do what you think and hope and pray is right even though you have only the slightest flicker of what the heck is going on

….you will have more questions than answers and begin to see the world and know there is SO MUCH MORE going on than we can possibly see

….you will become sadder than you’ve ever been at poverty, injustice, hurt, murder…you will start to care about things you never gave a damn about

….you will want to sin less and see the chaos that you are causing in your own and other’s lives due toe sin

……you will desperately desire to be with someone who you can only be with once you’re done with this life

…..you will see flickers and sparks of a hope, a future, a life more than this…and then the darkness will descend again and the light will only be a memory

….and one day the LIGHT will break beyond the clouds again and life will be GREAT!

….and then there will come a day when you cannot look backwards or forwards or even get up and you will need to grab hold to the man on the cross again for every breath and every step

So….

disclaimer today…

Christianity is not for sissies!

But it’s the only hope we have in this mixed up, messed up, crazy world! I heard someone explain it like this, we have two choices, we can either be a slave to sin/the world/devil or a slave to GOD!! And I’d rather be a slave to someone that loves me, trust in Him for my daily bread and hope in Him for my future, than fight my way through the darkness alone….

vandag

Vandag het ek meer vrae as antwoorde

Vandag maak min dinge sin en sukkel ek om te vergewe .

Vandag sukkel ek om lief te wees en kruip die kwaad en haat elke nou en dan in my hartjie in.

Vandag probeer ek onthou dat God in beheer is, maar sukkel om dit te glo.

Vandag probeer ek dink aan al die goeie goed, maar voel dit biejtie asof die duiwel havoc reek met my gedagtes.

Vandag verstaan ek nie liefde of christene of die wereld nie.

Vandag weet ek nie hoe die Here gaan wen as ons nie eers onder Christene kan vrede kry nie.

Vandag is ek moedeloos en die trane le vlak.

Vandag sukkel ek om te laat gaan en dit in God se hande te sit.

Vandag is ek net soos

“Here…”

Sunday’s on the way!

Okay so genoeg van die melodrama, eks besig om myself daarmee uit te put.

Ek het gister weer shutterisland gekyk, vir die tweede keer. Ek weet nie wie dit al gekyk het nie maar dis awesome, major plot twist. En die eerste keer toe ek dit kyk is ek so flippen bang en anxious en op die punt van my stoel en probeer uitfigure wat de vrek aangaan in die fliek. Die tweede keer toe kan ek baie meer kyk, want toe weet ek wat die einde is en dat niks so scary is soos jy dink dit is nie.

En toe dink ek dis bietjie soos die lewe. As mens na die omstandighede kyk en die hier en nou is jy vrek bang en anxious en weet nie wat aangaan en hoekom die seer en wat besig is om te gebeur nie. Maar God sien die einde. So eintlik kan ons net chill en die hier en nou geniet, want ons weet als gaan okay wees. Ons weer God is goed. Ons weet daar’s ‘n plan, al kan ons nie kop of stert uitmaak nie.

Ek kyk gister ‘n fliek op dstv en dit begin met die lyn “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans”

En dis baie keer asof ons God probeer oortuig dat ons beter vir onsself weet as wat Hy vir ons weet. En asof ons hierdie ding probeer uitfigure in plaas van om te let go en net te lewe. En te weet niks is verseker nie. En te weet dinge kan enige oomblik omgekrap word. Maar dis okay want Hy bly in beheer! En ons kan OF worry oor die toekoms en bly stress “se nou dit” of “se nou dat” of ons kan rustig wees en daaroor worry as dit gebeur. God se vir ons om nie te worry oor die dag van more nie. Ek dink nie ons werk is om dinge uit te figure nie. Ek dink ons werk is om dankbaar te wees en God te vertrou in alles.

En gister het ons die coolste vrydag gevier waar Hy aan ‘n kruis gehang het. En ek dink daarna was almal soos…wtf, Hys dood. Hys weg. Hulle het gewen. Hulle het om doodgemaak. En ek dink almal het getwyfel in dit wat hulle voorheen geglo het. Was Hy die seun van God? Was ons mislei? Wat was regtig? Ek kan die hopeloosheid net imagine… Niemand het enige proof gehad dat dinge okay gaan wees nie. Dat Hy werklik God was nie. Die omstandighede het duister gelyk op daai oomblik.

Min wetende…

Sunday’s on the way!!!

ek wonder…

Ek wonder…

Weet sy hoe om jou te maak lag? Sal sy saammet jou aan ‘n tube se binnekant vashou? En nuwe dinge probeer en saam jou vriende lag oor alles wat jy op hoerskool gedoen het? Is sy ook nie skaam vir mense nie?

Het haar hart ook in haar keel gesit die eerste keer toe sy jou sien? Moes sy ook maak of jy haar hart nie laat klop nie, terwyl sy heeltyd aan jou dink?

Gesels julle ook nagte lank en wil nie gaan slaap nie? Bel jy haar ook weer en weer dieselfde aand, net omdat jy nog van haar wil weet? Sukkel jy ook om van haar te vergeet, of om te konsentreer op iets anders as jy weet jy gaan haar later sien?

Lag jy vir haar skoene en kan jy met haar ass spot? Vat jy aan haar ass? Is hy so hot soos myne?

Vertel jy ook vir haar alles? Van jou verlede? Jou binnekant? Die manier wat jy die huwelik sien…en seks?

Kan jy ook casually badkamer toe stap en weet sy sal jou daar binne kry, en kan jy haar ook teen die muur vasdruk en soen asof die wereld sou vergaan as jy haar nie kon soen nie?

Hoe voel sy in jou arms? Pas sy so mooi soos ek?

Kan julle ‘n hele dag saam spandeer en dan is daar nog om oor te praat? As jy haar dare…sal sy dit doen? Is sy braaf? Is sy rebels? Verstaan sy daardie kant van jou? Of lag sy net skaam as jy jou dom grappies maak? Dink sy ook, soos ek, dat jy die snaakste mens op aarde is, en verstaan sy jou? Smelt sy ook as jy vir haar kyk?

Dink jy ook heeldag aan haar, soos aan my? Sien jy dat julle 50 jaar van nou af nogsteeds iets het om oor te gesels? Waaroor praat julle? Waaroor lag julle? Maak sy jou lag? Ek wens ek kon jou net nog eenkeer maak lag…

En lees sy ook dieselfde boeke as ons? Verstaan sy dinge sonder dat jy dit hoef te verduidelik? Of gaan sy dink jys vreemd oor wat jy lees? En dink sy ook big bang theory is die snaakste ding since bill cosby? Lag julle dieselfde?

Kan jy jouself aan haar blootstel en weet niks is te veel of te moeilik of te groot nie? Of steek jy dele van jouself weg? Moet jy maak of jy perfek is?

Sal sy saammet jou 12h die aand ‘n backpackers soek? Drink sy wyn saammet jou en droom jul ook saam oor ‘n eendag? Soos ek en jy altyd het?

As jy vir haar kyk, wat sien jy? Is sy ook vir jou die mooiste mens op aarde, soos wat ek was? Begeer jy haar, droom jy van haar, wens jy jy kan elke oomblik in haar oe kyk? Wat droom jy van haar?

Slaan sy ook jou asem weg?