oor die liefde

Ek het hierdie middel laasjaar geskryf en op facebook gepost. Vandag weer hierop afgekom en weereens verbaas oor die waarhede wat ek toe op afgekom het. Ekt gedink dis worthy om te post op my blog.

Disclaimer: This is a note for the ladies. If you are a guy and reading this I do not take any responsibility for the consequences…

This note is about relationships and dating and the little bit of sense I’m making every day in the chaos that surrounds our feelings/emotions/physical attractions ect. This is just me trying to make sense of everything and the things I find out along the way.

So I’ve recently (in fact it’s not that recent anymore) come out of a relationship. It was a very short relationship compared to the way relationships and feelings go sometimes. We got to know each other, we started dating, it worked well, it stopped working well, we broke up. Wasn’t a big thing, but it kind of was. Last night we were listening to a sermon a woman was giving on marriage and relationships. And she mentioned that both men and women have needs. Women have the need to feel loved, taken care of, beautiful ect. We want to feel wanted. We want to know, are we enough? Are we beautiful enough, are we special enough, do we make the cut, are we enough? This is our emotional need.

When me and my short-lived-boyfriend broke up I was…devastated. This reaction didn’t make sense to me. It was a nice relationship. Nothing wrong with it. It wasn’t a great relationship, wasn’t perfect. Even during the relationship I knew this was not the man I was going to marry. He was not perfect for me. We had many differences and short-comings in the relationship and I even talked to my friends about this not being the man I would marry. I thought that, if we broke up (I knew we would eventually, just not that soon) that I would cry for a week and be fine. I did not expect devastation and total and utter breakdown of my emotional status. Did not expect the depression that followed after the breakup and the hopelessness inside me. I thought that I must have loved him and not realized. He must have been the guy for me and I let it go, that’s why I felt that way. Then later on I thought it must have been because of what we’d done physically and there was some kind of emotional bond that I had to break. I tried breaking soul ties and although it helped a little, it did not take away the pain. Don’t get me wrong, we form physical bonds and we do get emotionally hurt because of it when we broke up, but there was more going on.

I knew that this had not been the guy for me. I don’t think the relationship was wrong, sometimes people get to know each other and they just don’t fit. We just didn’t fit in the end. And I couldn’t believe that God had intended for me to be with this guy, but I also couldn’t figure out why I was so sad. So I just decided my emotions were lying, I should not be so sad, so emotions are just deceiving me.

But last night I realized…he fulfilled my emotional need. When I was with him, during our short relationship, I was enough. I felt wanted, loved, cared for. When he took me out to dinner and opened car doors for me and phoned me and shared his emotions with me and introduced me to his parents and friends…I felt wanted. He fulfilled a deep need inside me that God had put inside me. This is not wrong. Wanting to feel wanted. It shouldn’t need to lead to bad decisions and shouldn’t be fulfilled in the wrong manner, but that’s not the point for now. The point is that my feelings were real, and when I was so sad, I was not mourning him, I was mourning the way he made me feel.

This being said I need to issue a warning to all women and to my future-self to remember this lesson and take it to heart. Sometimes we are not in love with the people we think we are in love with. This was my first “functional” relationship and I was in love with the functionality of it. You might be in love with having someone to talk to, in love with the attention, in love with feeling sexy or hot or beautiful, in love with….having someone. In love with not being single.

I am honestly not one of those people who believe you should only date the man you are going to marry. Seriously, how possible is that? But you should date a man that you believe there is potential to marry. You will still get hurt. Even if you never date, until you get married, you will get hurt. That’s another conversation thought. But you can minimise the pain and be wise in who you date and chose to walk with, even if it is for short periods.

This is very difficult, but the Bible also teaches us to “guard your hearts for it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23 (if I remember correctly). It teaches us discernment and not to place our trust in man, but in God. There is so much truth in this. I know that I used to (and I’m sure I will still sometimes) fall in love with guys that were simply put, not good for me. God used those wrong choices to teach me fundamental truths and bring me closer to Him, but my choices were wrong sometimes and resulted in a lot of heartache and unnecessary pain. I used to fall in love with bad guys, not the hard-core bad guys, but the emo guy in the band with daddy issues. I loved guys with issues. I could always figure out their “fear of commitment” as whatever was wrong from their childhood and bla bla bla. It may be the truth, but it doesn’t make him any more the guy for me and the relationship I want. I had (have?) a little bit of a messiah complex and I constantly wanted to save the guy I was in love with. I would be the one to change him.

Newsflash: You wont. Very rarely does this work. God changes people, you don’t. If you love him, if you love yourself, stay friends. Stay away from a relationship. The guy you are with needs to be emotionally healthy. The type of relationship you need is the one where you know the guy will stay with you, no matter what, because you are as important to him as he is to himself. This is very difficult I know and there are a lot of buts…BUT it is YOUR OWN responsibility to protect YOUR OWN heart! By all means…fall in love, but choose wisely who you fall in love with. Sometimes you cannot choose who you have feelings for or develop a crush on, but you can choose the kind of relationships you get involved in and who you invest your time and emotions in. Be wise in this. As God for help. As the opinions of people you love and trust and have Godly relationships. LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS IN JESUS!! They will not lie to you, they can very often see things you can’t because you are too emotional. And I have BEEN there. It’s so hard.

When choosing a guy, look at his background. How did he treat the previous girl he dated? How is his relationship with his mother and other women in his life? How does he talk to his friends? How does he handle conflict with you and with others? Does he call when he says he will? Do you feel safe with him? How is your own emotional state in the relationship? Are you scared and anxious all the time? Do you worry when he doesn’t call? Do you feel like breaking up with him every second day? Are you fighting all the time? Are you fighting in yourself?

Advice is often what we ask for when we know the answer we just do not want to face it.

Another thing…souls attract similar souls. When I was broken and hurting on my inside and had a lot of issues to sort out, I would attract unhealthy relationships and unhealthy guys to my soul. As soon as I started to pay attention to what I was doing and why, and figuring out who I was in life and what  I wanted, my relationships became healthier. I became attracted to the right kind of guys. The spiritual realm is often much stronger than we think and things we think are spontaneous of coincidental very often aren’t.

So be wise. Take responsibility for your own heart. I realized that I always say “God has the right man for me, He has someone who fits me perfectly” but I did not really believe it because otherwise I would not be falling in love with these people that were clearly not right for me. Maybe I didn’t feel I was worthy of someone unbroken and whole and strong. Maybe I felt little in the presence of a great man. I know that, looking back, I made a lot of mistakes, but I can see how God has been battling for me all the time. He still is. When you are too weak to get out of something, tell God. Tell other people. Tell your friends. They will fight for you as well. Be strong and courageous and never settle for less. That is what the devil wants. We do not fight for mediocrity but we fight for greatness!

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