Archive for Augustus, 2010


Okay so after my little dabble in the dark side I really do believe there is a God again. There is no way I can get around it. Even while “not believing in Him” or “not being sure” or whatever, it’s like not being sure of gravity. So here are my reasons for believing in God. I by no means have everything figured out but I do believe in Him fully:

-Prophecies. I went through Isiah and there are so many things that people could not possibly have known if it wasn’t told to them by God. It is proven that the old testiment was written roughly 400 years before the new testiment, so there is no way that people could’ve known what was going to go down. Even if I don’t believe in God, and in the Bible as just a book, it was still written 400 years apart and it is still a historic document, with one part predicting events of the future.

-The calender. Before Christ. After Christ.

-The Bible’s comments on the human heart and the human condition is absolutely accurate. It comments on the way the human heart is evil, how we are consumed by sin ect. and how grace and redemption are the way to move forward and I can see when this is practiced, how it actually works out. It seems that God knows something of our hearts that we cannot figure out.

-If God and Jesus were made up, who would think of a God who is all “turn the other cheek” and “seeking that all people be saved” and “forgive a million billion times” (yeah, paraphrasing…) Who would think of that? People would make up someone who is more of a Superhero, who punishes evil people, not someone who forgives and welcomes even sinners. They would make up someone who stands out above the crowd and can kick someone’s ass if they look at him wrong, not hang on a cross, praying for those who are hanging Him. If you look at any other God or religion it’s either about human’s, how we have intrinsic power in ourselves, or about a God whose rules you need to follow to get on His good side. Those seem like things human beings would make up. A forgiving God? Who welcomes everyone? Not even the most well-meaning person in the world could make that up.

– As much as I try and be angry at God and deny Him sometimes, I cannot deny that He has talked to me personally. Last year was very difficult as well as the beginning of this year and three times in this time He spoke to me, in my heart, revealing something of the future that happens exactly that way. I can’t get around that.

– I feel Him. I know this makes no sense at all. But as far as I am concerned all the “logical” reasons above can go to hell. I feel Him in my heart. I don’t always know who He is and how He is, but I feel Him. He chased me down. He saved me. He searched for me when no one else would. He is in my heart. There’s no way I can get around that.

Do I know why God is seemingly silent most of the time? No

Do I know why God doesn’t always heal our hurt or save us from dangerous situations? No

Do I know why He doesn’t make sense or just reveal Himself? No

Do I have the answers on why He doesn’t perform miracles when we ask Him to? No

Can I make sense of the Bible? No way!

But He exists. He doesn’t fit into my box. He doesn’t always behave the way I want Him to. I sometimes can’t make sense of what the heck His plan is with the world and why He lets things get so bad. But He is God. And that’s it. He can’t fit into my box and even if I find out something different about Him every day, I can’t get past the fact that He exists. So if I believe in Him or not, or submit to Him or not, or talk to Him or not, or have a relationship with Him or not, or consult with Him in life decisions or not, it doesn’t make Him any less God.

And it’s kind of comforting having a God I can’t understand at all. Else why would He be so much bigger than me?

P.S. This is not to convince anyone of anything. I am not in the business of “convincing people God exists.” If you can be argued into it you can be argued out of it. It’s something you choose or you don’t. Just don’t be fake about whatever our choice is. Or your search. Or whatever. That’s me probably…searching. Giving you all insight into my search.

Oh and I heard something cool the other day…I don’t think God cares as much about being understood, as He cares about being loved.


Musings on God

I’m sure if you’ve been following my blog you know that I am in confusion about God at the moment. I am for the first time in my life doubting if I believe in Him. I always knew He existed, but maybe I didn’t understand Him. But for some reason I can’t anymore. I really wonder if He exists.

I am, however, including Him in my search. Reading, talking to people, praying… I’m searching for Him and believe that if He exists He will rescue me from this…I hope. I really don’t want to NOT believe in Him. My whole world view and the way I handle people and problems and life in general are based in the assumption that He exists.

I also know that, just because I am dissapointed in His people or learn things I assumed were true to not be true, doesn’t mean He does not exist. It’s like hearing of someone and in your mind they have blonde hair and an english accept, and you meet them they have dark hair and an American accent. It doesn’t make them any less real.

Anyway, so in an attempt to figure this out I have made categories. If God exists, this is what I know of him, am confused about, and know is not true of Him.

What I know of God to be true:

– All truth is God’s. Even if it is not found withing His “religion.” If you seek truth, you will always find God. There is no truth outside of Him.

-All sins are forgiven. Even future sins. We cannot out-sin God. We can do nothing to not be forgiven.

– We come to Him through grace and humbleness and choosing Him. Not through acts. Not act can get you God’ favour or get you into heaven, same as nothing you do can keep you out of heaven once you have accepted Him (in terms of our actions. Not sure of this applies to if we choose to then not believe in Him)

Things I think hope/think are true but am doubting:

– God wants good things for us. God wants us to be happy.

– God has a plan with out lives. Not sure if He has a plan or just blesses what we choose to do. Or simply just leaves us to get out the other side alive and kind of helps us get there but does not interfere much. Think this is my biggest struggle at the moment.

– He can make you new. I know the Bible says He can, but I have seen so many people who are Christians but still carry the burdens of their past and hurt from it. Can He heal your hurt?

– Can you really help you to stop sinning? Or can He just help you live with it?

-Does He still pursue people? Does He still save people? Or does He just leave the ones who aren’t saved?

– Does praying for someone help?

– Does He still heal people of physical diseases and illnesses?

– Is it possble to live without sin?

Things I know are not true:

– When you sin you “build a wall” between you can God. If this were true we’d all be screwed coz no one doesn’t sin. When we sin, that is the time we need Him most.

– The church is always right. This perception is flawed as leaders are also human and it is okay to disagree with the church and even more okay to talk about this.

– To question God or be angry at Him is wrong. He knows you truly and deeply and knows you are angry or hurt or questioning so you might as well ‘fess up and chat to Him about it.

Please if you disagree or want to add anything, PLEASE DO! I am pretty desperate and so sad to be so far from the One I love so please help me figure this out?????

Sonder jou is die lyne donker

Ek maak my kamer skoon want ek soek jou

Ek soek jou onder my bed, my laaie, op my stoel,

In my kaste, my rakke, my kombuis

Ek weet nie waar ek jou gesit het nie

Ek soek jou in jou skildery

Maar sy praat blykbaar net as jy naby is

Ek soek jou in my stilwees, my lag, my moedeloos op die vloer neerval

Maar jys ook nie daar nie

Ek soek jou in jou kamer

Maar dis leeg daar

Daars niks oor nie

Ek soek jou

In fotos, in memories, in oomblike saam

Ek soek jou in my oggende, my aande, my middae

Ek soek jou in my whiskey glas

In die lee bottles op my rak

In jou laaste briefie aan my

Ek soek jou in die trane wat sonder toestemming strepe oor my wange loop


In my wynglas drup

Maar jys net weg

Jys weg

Problems in paradise

I haven’t written for a while, because I’m going through some stuff in my relationship with God. I thought about whether I should talk about it on my blog or not, for a while, and I decided that, in order to be true and real, I should. I also feel that some stuff is private between me and God, so I will not go into much detail.

Basically my problem is this: I am, for the first time really actually truly wondering whether God exists. I really want to decide whether I believe in Him or not. Because I believe in a God of love and grace, who has a plan for our lives and is inherently good even though we can’t always see it. Or in no God at all. I cannot believe in a works-based God, a God who wants us to be something before he accepts us or a God who does not get involved in our lives.

So it’s either hard-core grace or it’s no God at all.

My problem is that I don’t see much love or grace. In the world. Between Christians. Outside in the community. In relationships. I’m so confused as to the lack of love and the escalation of selfishness. And as to why Christians are fighting all the time amongst each other. And why does God not help when we pray? I am this year pushing into His calling to help the poor and seeing a lot of sadness and suffering, but a big lack of miracles. And strenght. And love. I see hurt and pain everywhere. I am looking desperately for God in the world, but I struggle to see Him. Has He forgotten us? Why does He not talk to me when I pray? Why does He keep Himself mysterious and aloof? Or why does he seem to favour some people, like, when they pray something happens or God saves their friends or helps them when they ask, but when I pray He is quiet?

I can’t really write more. I’m just confused and sad and a little dissapointed in who I thought God was. But I am sure if He exists He wil save me. He will help make things clear, or at least restore a little of the lost hope and faith in my life.

I don’t want this post to discourage you in any way, but I want to be true and honest in my journey with our Saviour and eveyone to know that it isn’t always sunshine and roses and whatever. The journey sometimes hurts. Change almost always does.


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