Problems in paradise

I haven’t written for a while, because I’m going through some stuff in my relationship with God. I thought about whether I should talk about it on my blog or not, for a while, and I decided that, in order to be true and real, I should. I also feel that some stuff is private between me and God, so I will not go into much detail.

Basically my problem is this: I am, for the first time really actually truly wondering whether God exists. I really want to decide whether I believe in Him or not. Because I believe in a God of love and grace, who has a plan for our lives and is inherently good even though we can’t always see it. Or in no God at all. I cannot believe in a works-based God, a God who wants us to be something before he accepts us or a God who does not get involved in our lives.

So it’s either hard-core grace or it’s no God at all.

My problem is that I don’t see much love or grace. In the world. Between Christians. Outside in the community. In relationships. I’m so confused as to the lack of love and the escalation of selfishness. And as to why Christians are fighting all the time amongst each other. And why does God not help when we pray? I am this year pushing into His calling to help the poor and seeing a lot of sadness and suffering, but a big lack of miracles. And strenght. And love. I see hurt and pain everywhere. I am looking desperately for God in the world, but I struggle to see Him. Has He forgotten us? Why does He not talk to me when I pray? Why does He keep Himself mysterious and aloof? Or why does he seem to favour some people, like, when they pray something happens or God saves their friends or helps them when they ask, but when I pray He is quiet?

I can’t really write more. I’m just confused and sad and a little dissapointed in who I thought God was. But I am sure if He exists He wil save me. He will help make things clear, or at least restore a little of the lost hope and faith in my life.

I don’t want this post to discourage you in any way, but I want to be true and honest in my journey with our Saviour and eveyone to know that it isn’t always sunshine and roses and whatever. The journey sometimes hurts. Change almost always does.


4 Responses to “Problems in paradise”

  1. 1 Tsholo Augustus 11, 2010 om 3:37 nm

    i replied to your comment on my blog, but thought just in case u don’t see it i should copy it onto here as well…

    “i just read your latest post and was about to comment on it. i know so many people who are currently in the same boat it’s crazy. but it’s been great having those people around and having each other to talk to and talk through stuff with and have that support.

    i find it’s hard for christians to acknowledge the fact that they are questioning because they feel like they’ll be judged or thrown out of their community (church community) so it was great being able to talk to other people in my church about it and talking to my pastor about it without feeling like i’m being judged or being condemned to hell.

    so my advice, pray, even though sometimes it feels like no one’s listening. talk to people…don’t keep it in. keep loving people, cos that’s what it’s about – that’s where i meet Jesus, in the least of these.”

  2. 2 mike Augustus 11, 2010 om 10:20 nm

    faith is not in the absence of doubt, rather in spite of it. – Rollo May

  3. 3 karliendupreez Augustus 15, 2010 om 9:16 nm

    Thanks Tsholo! Will do just that!
    Oh and I was at the book fair too (read your recent post)

  4. 4 the.C September 2, 2010 om 10:30 nm

    Change is the only constant in our universe.
    Be still and know that I am God…

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