On life, marriage and wanting

I remember when I was in the accident. I couldn’t walk or stand or even sit up for about 6 weeks, then had to learn to walk again. I remember some of my friends coming to visit and complaining about their day or long hours and I was like “are you KIDDING me! You GET to GET UP IN THE MORNING, you GET TO GO TO WORK” I made all these lavish promises to myself that I will be nicer to my body and start excercising and run the two oceans, because when you can’t walk for a long time you start to appreciate what you don’t have. The gap widens and you realise how much you actually had.

Now…two years later….I still can’t even hike up a mountain and I’m back to moaning about life and work and having to get out of bed.

I think the problem with us today is that things come to easy. We don’t really need to work VERY hard to achieve something. Most of my friends had cars from matric, through studies. Most of us got money from out parents when we were studying. Some were lucky enough to have their parents pay for their studies. Only this year, working for little money, I start to realise the value of money and how you spend it. And the value of time and the relation between time and money ect…anyway that’s another post.

This one is on how we give up too easily. Man. I mean I do. I give up too easily. I lump myself in with the “we” and crown myself the queen of giving up. When I write my book and I reach some hurdle, I just start writing a new one. When my friends irritate me I ignore them. When life doesn’t work out exactly the way I want it and I actually have to work to achieve something I bitch and moan.

I especially think this is something happening in relationships as well. We live in a society where so many things are handed to us on a silver platter, or at least delivered to our door in whatever form, our internet is fast, we drive our cars, we hate standing in qeues, we get irritated by people who drive slow… Anyway, we live in a world where things go fast and we expect immediate output for our input. So when things don’t go our way we leave.

In relationships we go along with it until things get difficult then we opt to leave, rather than stay and fix it. This having the result of never really appreciating the relationship as you never go through difficult things together. We have this idea of our “perfect partner” in our head and as soon as the other person doesn’t match the mould, we jump ship. We (I) fail to consider the fact that we ourselves aren’t perfect and would like someone to work with us through that as well. Or love us anyway. Or love us in difficult times. Or stick with us.

I think that contributes to high divorce rates. People see divorce as a first way out, rather than a last. We get so fixated on the “thing” in the relationship/marriage that’s missing and we start to seek it somewhere else. A lame example, but say you want a guy who has a job and treats you nice and opens the car door. So you get a guy who treats you nice and has a job but suddenly you realise he doesn’t open the car door. And that other guy does this. Then “opening the car door” becomes the most important thing in a relationship and “you wish you had a guy who opens the car door.” So you jump ship to find a guy who opens the car door. But then he will have something lacking, like he he fails to support you emotionally. Or whatever. I’m not explaining myself very well, but trying to say this. Human beings become fixated on what we don’t have. We rarely look at what we have. In life, we look at the money we don’t have, the friends we don’t have, the fact that we can’t get out of bed and walk, don’t have a stable family, bla bla bla… And these are sometimes hard things to face. But once we have them they become nothing. When I could walk and get up in the morning I started to take this for granted again.

Like when you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife all you can think of is how this will fulfill your life. And once you have it you forget that you really wanted this. You just get irritated when they mess up, focus on what they don’t have and start to dream about getting whatever the next thing is you want. And often we just leave that relationship/marriage and think we will find this thing somewhere else. And only then do we realise what we had. There is a gap where that person was and even though he didn’t “open the car door”, he listened to you talking, he spent time with you, he made you dinner, he supported your decisions, ect.

I’m having trouble with the words again today:-) I’m just trying to say that the harder we work at things the more we come to appreciate them. Not that life or relationships or friendships should be work. Or all work. But there is a time when these things will become hard, and, depending on the situation, we should opt for staying, rather than jumping ship, because staying and working through the hard stuff, will have growth and stronger relationship as a result.

Maybe we should stop looking for percetion and just love what we have right now (preaching to the choir again) (I am the choir, just for those who didn’t get that:-)

I once heard an older married couple, in their 80s, start to cry as the woman explained “I wish we hadn’t fought to much. I wish I had just appreciated him from the beginning. We wasted so much time. I love him so much and we are both going to die soon and we wasted so much time that we could’ve spent together. I love him so much”

That touched my heart.

Another thing they said was to “make a bucket” where you put all the good things in. When your parter/husband/wife/friend/mother/whatever is great and awesome and doing things you love and being great to you and you love being in the relationship, then “put them into a mental bucket.” Because just as life is not always sunshine, it is not always dark clouds. And when things are going bad, call on that bucket and remember those things and know that it will be like that again. Dont fixate on the problem so much.

Neeewaaayyy…..was just thinking about that this morning and hope you all have a lovely weekend and get to have some fun and spend time with the people you love!


3 Responses to “On life, marriage and wanting”

  1. 1 Cobus September 28, 2010 om 5:31 vm

    My dear you love starting your sentences with conjunctions, don’t you?

  2. 2 karliendupreez September 28, 2010 om 1:17 nm

    Ekt juis gedink om hierdie opstel in te gee vir my matriek eindeksamen en dus is taal beginsels die eerste ding waaraan ek dink as ek skryf….

  1. 1 Reads of the week – 2010 – 33 « Hope In Love Terugskakeling op September 11, 2010 om 12:31 vm

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