Archive for Oktober, 2010

Wat as ons gemaak is vir meer as “safe?”

My een vriend probeer Christenskap so verduidelik. “As ek vir jou se daar is roomys in die kombuis, en jy gaan staan op en kyk dan glo jy my. As ek vir jou se, daar is roomys in die kombuis, en jy se vir my ja jy glo my maar jy bly sit, dan glo jy my nie regtig nie.” En dis hoe dit is met Christenskap. Daar is nie AKSIE wat jou qualify om ‘n Christen te wees nie, jy hoef niks te DOEN om die roomys te verdien nie, maar die geloof gaan oor tot in aksie (jy staan op en gaan kyk.) Ek wil amper se dat as daar nie aksie is nie dan glo jy nie regtig nie.

Weereens blog ek random ramblings so sterkte vir wie-ookal try sin maak van wat ek skryf…

Maar ek wonder nou al ‘n rukkie, since when het Christenskap SAFE geraak? Daar was hierdie random dude Jesus, wat mense se lewes kom verander het, gevra het om al hul goed weg te gee, hul ouers te verlaat, hul beroepe te verander, baie wat saam Hom gesien is is tronktoe en Hy is dood aan ‘n kruis.

En op ‘n manier het ons Christenskap “safe” gemaak. Jy kan ‘n Christen wees deur saam te stem met ‘n stel reels en principles. Soos, jy kan in principle glo dat seks voor die huwelik sleg is, mens nie moet vloek nie, money nie happinessis nie en mens moet vir arm mense omgee. Tick jy daai lysie? Bam! Welkom in Christenskap.

En dis hoekom niemand Christene wil wees nie…

Ons het Christenskap verander tot hierdie stel principles waarin jy kan glo. Maar dit gaan SOOO NIE daaroor nie! Om ‘n Christen te word. Om regtig te glo. Is dangerous. Scary. Mind blowing. Awesome. Crazy. Unpredictable. Dit mess met jou mind. Dit maak jou mal. Dis als behalwe safe.

Dit is makliker om reels te try hou as om uit te figure hoe flippen lief Jesus vir jou is. Dis makliker om als in SAFE boksies te pas en te mark “safe for the whole family” as om leaps of faith te vat en ons potensiaal te bereik. Dis makliker om mediocre te wees en voort te gaan met ons safe, betekenlose bestaan en ons afleiding in TV, random social drama, werk, porn, whatever te vind…as om die challenge te accept waarvoor ons gecall is. Ons is bored. Christene is bored. Ek is bored. En afgepiss met hoe mens net settle vir minder. Hoe alles net “okay” en “safe” moet wees.

Ek wil leer hoe dit is om als op die spel te plaas vir iets groter, meer amazing, as wat ons kan droom. Ek wil leer hoe om buite die boks te dink, abnormaal te wees, bang te wees maar te veg vir iets wat worth it is. Ek wil nie meer die paaie van die lewe volg soos dit volgens sosiale normes uiteengesit word nie.

Ek wil wonder, explore, dinge probeer, foute maak, vrae vra….anders mag en dalk net doodgaan sonder om dit eers agter te kom….

the morning after….

The morning after…

She couldn’t remember how she’d gotten there. Or she could. Physically. She remembered the actual events from the previous night. But she couldn’t remember what her train of thought had been. How had this seemed like a good idea?

He was still sleeping. He was still pretty, even in the harsh light of the morning breaking through the blinds. The candles from the previous night stood on his bedside table. A picture lay face-down next to the candles and the cd player. The scene seemed familiar somehow. The explanation she would have to do later. She sat up. He didn’t move. Her eyes travelled upwards to the picture frame hanging on his wall. He couldn’t hide this one as easily as the one on the nightstand.

The girl was prettier than she’d imagined in her mind. Maybe she just wanted her to be ugly. Not that he seemed like the kind of guy who would have an ugly girlfriend. She didn’t really feel jealous. She looked at the picture again. Nor did she feel guilty. She wondered if she felt anything at all. Except the need to go home. Immediately. She picked up her phone and texted her friend.

 

Two nights ago….

It always happened quickly. Life was ironic that way. How this handsome, stranger ended up next to her. They had been talking for almost two hours and her friends were about to leave. She couldn’t recall what the conversation had been about. Just that it hadn’t been awkward. It seemed almost cliché. They way it happened in movies, or love-stories, or how people tell about their own romance, adding a tiny bit of the fiction in their minds. It was weird for her.

“So we decided not to kiss?” she said

“Yes” he smiled

“Because you have a girlfriend” she said “And I have a boyfriend”

“No “ he said “Because it would make it cheap. Because this is more than physical attraction”

She still couldn’t decide whether he was really real, or just really smoothe. For now she would believe he was smoothe. She didn’t have anything else to go on.

“Are you coming with?” her friend asked, standing above her. She looked up. “Yes, let’s go dancing”

She waited for him to answer. To see if he wanted to go with. Wanted to spend more time with her.

“Listen” he took her by the elbow, looking at her intently, like he had been the whole night. He seemed so intense. She wondered again about his sincerity. He was beginning to sway her. “I want to spend more time with you, but I don’t want to go dancing” he said.

She just looked at him. She had a sudden urge to touch his face. Trace the outline of his smile with her finger. She resisted the urge.

“We can go and have coffee at my place” she said

“Or mine” he said

“No” she replied “My friends will wonder where I am. My place” she insisted.

Her friend hugged her goodbye and whispered a “Be careful” in her ear.

********

Later she would think that meeting him almost felt like coming alive. Like a breath of fresh air. Like coming up from the darkness. Again, she hated the idealistic school of thought behind it. She didn’t believe in these things anyway. But she couldn’t deny that she suddenly felt more alive than she had in months. She felt like she could finally breathe.

 

boksies

Want dis makliker

om jou met my swart podlood in te kleur

jou te maak wat ek van jou dink

en in my boksie te pas

as om jou te leer ken

 

Want dit vat minder tyd

om my uitgeknipte

generiese

maskers op jou situasie te plak

en jou daardeur te ervaar

as om tyd saam jou te spandeer

 

Dis makliker om jou te oordeel

op hoe ek sou reageer

as om na jou binnekant te kyk

en in jou skoene te probeer staan

 

Want my dag is besig

my tyd is min

en almal het maar hul manier om te probeer verstaan

 

The illusion of choice

“Thanks for your help” he said, while I tried to re-arrange the bundle in my arms “My friends are almost here so I gotta go” placing the bundle in his arms in mine. I tried to steady myself against the sudden extra load. He barely seemed to notice.

“Here are your shoes” I said.

“I can get them from you later” he replied, already turning the other way.

“No” I kicked them off, “my battery is almost flat I don’t know if I’ll see you later. Take them now”

I turned without looking back. When I got back to my tent I threw the things on the ground and took my cellphone out of my pocket, turning it off.

Could love be more irrelevant?

I wonder about a time when I thought walking away was easy and love would fade. I wonder about the illusion of choice and how long I would stay away this time. I wonder if he’d even notice.