Archive for Desember, 2010

Net ‘n halwe waarheid

Ek het myself so geteken

Sodat ek by jou sal pas

Gedink oor elke skakering van my persoonlikheid

Wat ek met my podloot vir jou invul

Omdat ek weet dis waarvan jy hou

 

Ek kleur myself in

Met elke vraag wat jy vra antwoord ek binne die lyne

Van die “ek” wat ek vir jou geteken het

Asof ek myself sal verloor daarsonder

Asof ek sonder die lyne, nie meer bestaan nie

 

Maar nou en dan wil ek buite die lyne inkleur

Wil ek krap oor alles wat ek vir jou vertel het

En naak voor jou staan

Kyk of jy my regtig sien

 

Ek wonder of jy dan nog vir my sal lief wees

Ek kannie dit van jou verwag nie

Ek weet

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Die stilte

Sy kén die stilte. Sy ken dit goed. Die stilte wat stadig op jou opkruip. Jou verlei deur saggies saammet jou in die bed te kom lê. Jou te vertel dat daar vrede in die stilte is. Rus in isolasie. Sy kén die stilte. Wat jou stadig intrek. Van binne af deel word van jou.

 

En dan word jy een middag wakker van jou middagslapie en die stilte is oral om jou. Die versmoor jou. Dit laat jou dinge twyfel waarin jy lankal jou bestaan gevind het. Dit laat jou vrae vra. Daai wat nie antwoorde het nie. Dit kan jou vir dae lank tot jou bed, jou kamer dryf, jou jouself laat isoleer van alles en almal. Ongeduldig maak met enigiemand wat tussen jóu en die stilte durf kom. Alles terwyl die stilte stadig sy hande om jou nek begin draai.

 

Alles in jou wil uit. Weghardloop. Van alles en almal af. Maar jy kan nie. Jy lé vas, amper asof dit bo-op jou kom sit het. Jy word deel van die stilte al wil jy daarvan hardloop. Jy wil uit, maar weet nie meer hoe nie. Jy sal enigiets gee om tussen mense te wees, stemme, ander lywe, gesigte, asems… Tog kan jy nie. Tog wil jy nie in die openbaar verskyn nie. Die stilte sal jou nie toelaat om te gaan nie.

 

Jy kén die stilte te goed. Dit kom elke jaar.

 

Wanneer dit stil raak om jou.

 

Wanneer jy te lank begin rondkyk en stilsit.

 

Wanneer jy terugdrink en evalueer.

 

Wanneer die vrae aan jou deur begin klop.

 

Daardie wat jou stukkie vir stukkie mal maak.

 

Jy kén die stilte.

 

Dit klop elke jaar die tyd aan jou deur…

Getting it wrong

What a crazy holiday so far….so many things going wrong and other things miraculously going very right! Anyway, so I’m reading this book and thinking a lot (as usual). The book I’m reading is by this guy who does many social experiments to find out how humans think and react. Most of our actions are irrational in terms of weighing up things and making choices, and how the economy is based on predicting that we are rational thinkers, but he proves that this is not the case. Either way. This one experiment he proves that we respond to change, in physical and emotional terms. When things change all the time we notice them, we get used to the monotiny. The simple application being a massage, an hour long massage is not as fun as a 30min one where the massues takes a break and then starts again, simply because there’s change. Other applications revolve around romantic interests, vocation and life choices. Other things work physiologically, as in the case of hearing. When there is a constant noise we get used to it, but as soon as something changes we hear it again. That’s why we are more bothered by the persistant dripping of one tap than by rain, in which the sound is more constant and predictable. This works to warn us of things as well, when a sudden new smell comes up we might become aware of a gas leak, or that our food is burning, and when touch on our skin is sudden it might indicate pain or a change that our body needs to make us aware of.

 

So me….always thinking a bit about life and taking things further….I’m thinking more and more that we, as human beings, are getting it wrong. Everything. We build our lives around safety, security, financial stability, job stability, emotional stability, building bigger fences, buying more houses, bigger cars. Our parent’s generation (I’m in my early 20’s, do the maths…) got married early, started a job, planned for the future and built carreers. Our generation get married later, run from commitment (whether relational or in terms of staying in one job/place too long) We don’t want the lives of our parents. We want to travel, be free… Yet we need to think in terms of securing a future and a job. All the while our hearts hungering for more…

Then I look at the Bible. Their communal way of life. Their nomad way of life. And I think. We got it wrong. I don’t know what’s right, I just think we might be getting it wrong. Maybe we aren’t made for safery, commitment and 10 year plans… God always asks to trust Him in the now. To have faith. He rarely lays out the 10 year plan, yet guarantees our safety and the safery of our hearts. Then I think….maybe our entire world system is wrong. Settling down. Settling for less. Working for your olden day then retiring, wishin you had something to do and money to do it with. Depression as the trendy new illness that rears its head in our democratic, 1st world, individual-based societies. Boredom. Adultery, drugs, sex…anything to add a little excitement. To stray away from the monotony.

Is this what God intended?

Is this how he made us?

Could our marriages be more healthy if we risked adventure together, if our hearts and lives kept changing, growing, our dreams evolving daily? Could depression rates take a downward turn of we lived more communally? If we took care of each other? If the lines between mine and yours blurred? Could we be happier, our hearts more alive if we simply lived differently? If we stopped trying to control the world, mass produce, build over every beautiful space that nature provides us with? Could we be healthier and we stressed less about our old age and shared our resources between everyone? Why aren’t we taking better care of our lives? Why did we get stuck in this system? Could more people turn to God if we dropped the idea of “sunday church” and church became a way of life again instead of something you do or something you belonged to? What if we tried to live like the people in Acts? When did being Christian become about safety and rules?

I’m so excited for the up and coming generation. For people living differently. Christians and non-Christians alike, young people are thinking in a new direction. Being a woman is becoming about more than having children and finding a husband. Being a nurturer about more than having children… Being a man about more than providing for only your family, about more than being forced to conform to rules, leaving your passion, your heart, your inherent wildness in the wake…?

Like I said, I don’t have the right answers, but I think I’m starting to ask the right questions…

Thoughts on hating small talk

Oh how I hate small talk. And forced “friendliness” that accompanies meeting new people. I shiver at the thought of going to a birthday party or wedding where I know only the friend that invited me. I can be charming and smiley, but usually I just retreat back into my shell and sit there silently judging the world (well, not that bad, I just let my mind wander to some pleasant place where with dark chocolate and nice flowers) Anyway, so today I was at a friend’s bachelorette’s and I end up sitting inbetween a very chatty Indian girl and a smiley, pretty black girl. Lucky me, the Indian girl seems to be the chattiest person at the party, and totally incapable of reading the unversial signs for “I-dont-do-small-talk”

Luckily there are a huge array of nice things to eat and I fill my plate to the brim with cheese and crackers, samoosas, little pieces of chicken, olives, feta cheese, melon slices…mmm… So with my plate full and some strategic fork-to-mouth excercises I manage to get away with monosyllibic answers for the first part of the conversation. But then…oh dear…my plate starts to finish and the usual bachelorette games haven’t started up again. My eyes dart around the room. I supress the urge to go to the bathroom for the third time out of pure boredom, I think of taking my book out of my handbag, but that would label me totally anti-social. So I have no choice but to answer the quetions that keep coming like bullets. Before long she knows where I grew up, what I studied, the number of siblings I have and whether my parents are still together. I also learn (not by choice) that her husband is Afrikaans, how they met, how long they’ve been together, the struggle for him to find his calling and how long she has been staying in Cape Town. Then she asks “Do you have someone special?” I fight the urge to answer “My mother loves me” and just grumble, “no”, not wanting to go into the intricate details of my personal life with someone I just met. And then she answers with the killer sentence: “Oh okay, still praying and trusting the Lord?”
And I’m like…are you KIDDING me!! NO!!! I am working on my passions, developing my character, realising my dream for my life, finding out who I am, listening to my heart, writing my book, working in the community, developing relationships with friends and about a thousand different things that did NOT appreciate her “just hang in there” look.

Since when did that become the only thing women do? Since when, if you’re not married, you deserve a pitiful stare from someone saying “Just pray and trust the Lord.” Granted, I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that, but I just felt like she was placing me in a box that said “waiting for her husband.” Instead, I am living my life! I am doing what I want, enjoying my freedom, planning my future, developing skills, reaching people and spending my time as I wish. Why is it that some people don’t see it that way? Why do some women think a husband “saves” or “completes” you?

Just reminded me again why I hate small talk.