Archive for Mei, 2011

What if it really did happen?

The other day I was driving in my car and thinking, what if it really happened? What if, contrary to popular belief, the rapture really did happen two saturdays ago? What if God really came and the world really ended? It has to happen sometime. Someone has to be right eventually. However, I don’t think we will know, as the Bible states that He will come like a thief in the night. I suddenly became very scared and very aware of God’s “Big-ness”. His being King and Ruler. I became aware of how large He is and how small I am, and how I sometimes just callously go about my business without really thinking about what I am doing. Or the consequences thereof.

Then I thought of it again as I lay in my bed last night. My heart became overjoyed at meeting Jesus. I imagined it would be somewhat like two lovers meeting. Like running into His arms, or just sitting on His lap with my arms around His neck. I imagined being unbelievably happy for the first time ever. I imagined nothing else mattering. I imagined how relieved I would be and how I would feel like my heart finally belonged somewhere. How it would feel like coming home.

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The end

She received the message while sitting in a coffee shop with her friends. “We need to talk” it stated simply. Clearly. She hadn’t heard from him in over a week. “Sure” se replied. She knew the conversation they would have. She’s had it before. She as tired of it. Tired of the emotion it would unlock, the blow to her ego, the questions, the self-loathing. No, they would not talk. She most likely would never see him again. If she did it would be in awkward passing. In a hallway or a grocery store. They would make eye contact and smile politely. No one would know the intimacy they had shared.

She wondered for a moment how it must be, to wake up next to the same person every morning. To know that he would call. That she would see him again. People with that certainty were lucky. They usually took it for granted though. She wondered when it would happen for her.

She had known that this one wouldn’t. Maybe not from the moment they met. But from the first morning after. She noticed the change in how he looked at her. Yet she kept on going back. What else could she do? She had fun, even though she knew it wouldn’t last.

“There’s always next time” she said to herself, putting her phone back into her bag and smiling at her friend. Only later, while driving home in her car, she would think of it again. She would notice the slight change inside her. The slight sadness. No tears. Things like this weren’t worth her tears.

the second time…

Reaching for her red and white striped T-shirt, she sat up on the familiar white sheets. She heard the door slam as he headed for the bathroom. This time she didn’t feel much. They hadn’t fallen asleep afterwards and she had become an after-thought as he said “I need to get to work”

This time there was no need for compliments. He had simply touched her as if she already belonged to him. As if he knew she wouldn’t resist. And she didn’t. Once his hand caressed the small of her back and he rolled her to her stomach, kissing her skin, commenting on how soft it was… even if she had wanted to resist, she knew she wouldn’t. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to stay in that moment forever. Where he found her pretty. Where she belonged to him. To anyone. Where she could act like, tomorrow, he would want to know how her day was, or take her out to the movies. She longed to stay in that moment, feeling so precious. So wanted.

This time there was no need for pretence. He didn’t even ask if she wanted anything to drink, didn’t kiss her before they said goodbye, made no half-baked promises to call.

Driving home she remembers the previous time. How she had wanted to throw up. How she had sworn never to enter his perfectly white room again.

Now she noted how she didn’t feel much.

She noted that she was, in fact, hungry. Taking her phone out she called her friend to make plans for lunch.

never happened…

Becoming aware of the fact that she was cold, she carefully reached for her button-up checkered blouse with one arm. Throwing it across her naked shoulders she noticed her hand was trembling slightly. This was both amusing and a relief, and she found herself thinking that this might mean that she actually had a conscience. Or it could be the mixture of not having eaten today and the sudden rush of adrenaline. She carefully put her arm back over his bare chest. He had begun snoring slightly. She would not be the one to break the news to him. She closed her eyes and tried to make sense of what had just happened. She felt that she should be both less and more freaked out. She stared at the stark white bedding in the clinically neat room. Then at his chest heaving up and down. She lifted her hand again. She was still trembling slightly.

Later, as she was buttoning up her shirt, she marvelled at how this feels different than it must look. She remembered seeing this in movies. Usually the camera took a bird-eye view of the girl. She noticed the dramatic drop in affection once he woke up. She thought about the fact that she was hungry and how natural this felt. What freaked her out probably the most, is how easily she had slipped into this role. How the natural progression from the moment they met to this moment seemed almost seamless. No. What scared her the most, is that she would get home and smile as usual. That no one would ever believe this of her. That, by tonight, she would be able to pretend to herself that this had never happened.

geluk

Ek kuier op die oomblik by die huis. Dis altyd weird om huistoe te kom. Mens word herinner aan soveel goed wat mens soms net uitblok. Ek kom ook agter hoeveel anders ek is. As ek nie nou en dan huistoe kom nie sal ek nie eers agterkom dat ek verander nie. Verandering gebeur so sublte. Ek onthou ook baie kere wat ek ongelooflik ongelukkig was. Kere wat my hart seer was vir een of ander rede. Tye wat ek myself gedoubt het, onseker was oor wie ek is. Ongelukkig was oor wat ek gedoen het met my lewe op daai stadium.

Soos ek paar mense weer sien, of na verskillende plekke gaan, onthou ek hoe ek was die vorige keer wat ek daar was. Soms onthou ek die presiese emosie of gevoel. Vandag toe ek terug ry hoor ek op die radio die dj se dat elke jaar vinniger gaan as die vorige een. Sy konnie glo dis al Mei in 2011 nie. Gewoonlik sal so iets my bang maak. Onseker. Maak hunker vir die verlede. Mense maak mis. Nostalgies maak.

Vandag was ek opgewonde. Vir die eerste keer dink ek, sien ek uit na die lewe. Ek geniet wie ek is. Ek sien uit na dit wat kom. Ek dink ek raak ook gewoond aan verandering. Verandering was altyd vir my erg. Veral in terme van mense in my lewe. Deesdae kom ek agter mense kom en gaan. Dit maak hulle nie minder spesiaal of belangrik nie, maar deel van die lewe is die feit dat mens kan LEEF. Nie mekaar moet vashou nie. Nie bly klou aan dit wat jou altyd gelukkig gemaak het nie. Ek sien so uit na dit wat kom. Eks so gelukkig om in die Kaap te kan bly. Nuwe vriende te kan maak. Nuwe stokperdjies leer. Eks is baie minder bang, as wat ek opgewonde is.

Geluk is “sneaky” op daai manier. Dit sneak op jou op. Eendag word jy wakker en jy besef jy is damn gelukkig.

Dis maar my epithany vir vandag…

O ja, ek het ook ‘n “reeks” essays geskryf wat ek gaan publiseer. Weereens die disclaimer dat my skryfwerk fiksie is en nie ‘n realistiese beskrywing van my of iemand wat ek ken nie. So no need for panic yet…:)