Why I haven’t been writing.

I’m going through my annual crisis of faith again. Actually, my faith is in constant crisis. Sometimes not so much crisis, but let’s say…always evolving. Or devolving .Or whatever term we’re allowed to blog about.

 

Thing is, I can’t not believe in God. Or Jesus. They’re not “Not true”. This is proven every time my atheist friends say “God is my greatest enemy” or something incredibly miraculous happens. More so when I’m sad. When really bad things happen in my life, when I’m down, crying on the bathroom floor, when waking up takes waking up is worse than sleeping. That’s usually when me and God are tight, when hope abounds, when He is the only thing that can keep me going.

 

But then there are times…like now…when I’m happy. I fluctuate between content and super happy with spots of sadness in between. Then I start to wonder about things. About a God that’s we only create in our imaginations when we need Him. About people and how everyone has a different view of God. About how I see marriages falling apart, even more so with Christian friends than other friends. When I have these moments of hopelessness and making peace with the fact that I don’t think I will ever get married or have children. When I see the world and it’s real.

 

Sometimes I think I’ve seen too much. Studying occupational therapy shocked me from my upper-middleclass existence into a world where health systems fail, patients die no matter how much we try to help them (or worse, lay in hospital beds for months on end with no visitors.) A world where all the positivity in the world will eventually be squashed. Where dreams and good people go to die.

 

A little melodramatic there, because often I see really good things as well. People smiling through the pain. Laughter and strange friendships. People pursuing a dream where you wouldn’t think a dream could last a day. A different world. It’s like a see everything now. Good and bad. Great and excruciating. Life and death. Maybe this is why we shouldn’t eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil? I feel somehow unequipped to deal with this. As if “church” and “pastors” prepared me for a recipe, a formula, and then I find out the formula scarcely works and I have no idea what to do. I don’t know who to listen to or what to believe. I feel guarded and protected in my childhood, now left to answer questions the adults in my life didn’t struggle through. Now they’re leaving me to deal with the questions they effectively hid from.

 

When I read Donald Miller and Philip Yancey and Rob Bell, I believe in God. I can believe in that God, the God my father talks about and believes in. But I see different things too. I see different opinions and different Gods. I see people believing in the same God as me, doing things I wouldn’t do. I don’t know. The point was just me, trying to explain why I didn’t write so much anymore. Because when I write it ends up in the chaos above. Make of it what you will. Good luck. And I’m open for coffee if anyone wants to share in my confusion?

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6 Responses to “Why I haven’t been writing.”


  1. 1 Tsholo Julie 8, 2011 om 9:42 vm

    i can definitely relate with this: “I can’t not believe in God” and then turning around and wondering if God really is a crutch I make up when I need him – when life’s too tough for me to handle on my own…and yet I still see traces of him in my life so I can’t deny him…it’s all just a mess in my head.

    At this point, I’ve just resolved not to get complacent – neither in my belief nor my doubt…just to keep searching, and seeking, and asking. “always evolving. Or devolving.”

    Cos the God that I believe in knows my heart, and my motives, and my intentions. And I think that counts more than just breezing through a fake christianity that you never wrestle with.

  2. 2 jagternw1976 Julie 8, 2011 om 11:34 vm

    If God had wanted to be a big secret, He would not have created babbling brooks and whispering pines. ~Robert Brault.
    Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold. When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness. This is also the case when people withdraw from God. ~Augustine

  3. 4 sterrekind Julie 8, 2011 om 12:55 nm

    Thanks Tsholo. You get my heart and the fact that I don’t necessary need or expect answers, just to share my questions 🙂

  4. 5 @shotbeak Julie 9, 2011 om 12:41 vm

    Atheists who claim that “God is their greatest enemy” have other issues. Part of being an atheist, to me, implies accepting everyone who walks life’s path, because everyone has to walk it. Coming from a certain viewpoint (believing in say a Christian God or Hindu Gods), you are predisposed towards your group. Atheists harping on about how everyone else is wrong, is doing exactly the same.


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