Sharing is happiness

I didn’t want to post anything recently, because, frankly, Sweden was kicking my ass. When you can’t remember what double-digit weather feels like, there is little differentiation between weekdays and weekends, you have no money left and its a week before you get paid again and you crave any food that can be described in a different way than “bland”, life just becomes dull. At least I had a bottle of Finlandia Vodka that I had purchased with some lime cordial before my great depression hit.

I simply couldn’t face another night alone in my room. I am really struggling to make friends, I’m not sure why as this has never been a problem for me. Even though boyfriend-type person is around, I missed having friends, and he is studying for exams. It seems just that every time I try to do something with people I don’t know it ends up being okay, but never really in a friendship. I miss coming home and having a flatmate to share my day with, waking up and knowing I can make plans with my friends that evening and living in a country where having a beer or going to the movies don’t need to be budgeted for two weeks in advance.

So on Wednesday night I found myself alone in my room with the evening stretching before me (it gets dark at 5pm now) when friends of my boyfriend invited me to a club. I think God saw that I was about to fling myself from my 9th floor window, because the friends could get me into the club for free, dancing does not cost anything and, since my airtime was finished and I had no money to recharge, this friend was the right cellphone network and I could message him back for free. It turned into a great evening from there and, even though I missed the next day’s class, I think I’ve made some friends. They were fun to hang out with, accepting of me and could take a joke (more than I can say for the Swedes).

Anyways, just having that one fun evening and making plans for next week, revived my spirit. As romantic and strong as “I can be by myself” sounds, it’s really hard. The fact that, from Thursday the rain stopped and the sun is shining (even though it’s still 7 degrees Celcius in the middle of the day) also aided in the elevation of my mood.

It’s weird what friends can do. Even simply having company can lift your mood. And it’s funny how deep and dark depression can be when we’re surrounding my strangers, not having friends to share our experiences with. Even sitting in the same room as my boyfriend now, though we are both studying and not talking, helps to keep me from feeling lonely. Sharing a space. Breathing the same air. Hearing someone in the background. This is essential to my happiness. I remember weekends in Cape Town, I loved waking up and smelling the coffee that my flatmate had made, or knowing she is inside the flat somewhere, even though we haven’t seen each other yet. I hate waking up alone. And though I think it is essential for us to be able to be with ourselves sometimes, I cannot predict a future where I will be an alone-person. My happiness is always in togetherness. In the sharing of experiences. Everyone is not like this, and that is okay, but for me the happiness of an experience does not lie in the experience itself, but in the sharing thereof.

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