Archive for April, 2013

I am perfectly loved

If you know me in even the most basic way, I think you will know that I hate to be alone. I have diagnosed myself with sever FOMO (fear of missing out). And here I find myself on a Sunday evening doing the thing I hate most: being alone. Which is weird, because I wanted to be alone. I needed a bit of me-time after a few weeks of permanently being with people. My work entails talking to people, hearing their stories, being very un-alone for 8 hours of the day, so it’s not strange that I sometimes desire some alone time. But tonight my phone doesn’t work, no one is on facebook and I don’t have any emails to read. My flatmates aren’t here.

I’m really alone.

And this really scares me. It forced me face to face with the one question I work so hard to ignore: What if no one loves me? Somehow my greatest fear is being alone, because this somehow reminds me that I might not be loved. I have this irrational fear of dropping from the earth if I’m alone. If no one loves me. If no one acknowledges my existence. I fill my life, my time, my space with people as much as I can and as often as I can.

This is hitting me harder tonight than before because over the past few days I’ve had some conflict with two of my closest friend which I experienced as rejection, and sitting here tonight I am forced to face this fact: I feel alone. I feel unloved. I am asking myself: What if no one loves me?

The rational part of me knows that this is irrational, because I have friends that show their love in various ways, my parents love me incredibly, I am in a relationship and I could call at least a few people right now and go to them if I needed to.

But somehow I sit here, feeling sad, feeling alone, feeling unloved. And I’m not really sure what to make of this except, for now, to embrace it. I feel it is important not to run away from this. To turn around and stare this loneliness (that is always two steps behind me no matter how fast I run) in the face and say “But God loves me. And therefore, I am loved wholly”. Even if this is a whisper. Even if I don’t believe it yet, I need at least say it.

God loves me. I may not know this yet. I may not feel loved right now. But God loves me, and therefore, no matter how alone I may feel, I am perfectly loved.

And this is enough.

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